Monkey Shines

Start date: 05/12/10   248 pounds          Today: 05/24/10  232.6 pounds       

Loss: 15.4 pounds in 12 days                      Attitude:  Cranky.

So, this weekend, I was putzing around the house. A little cleaning…a little reading…a lot of water drinking.. At some point, I noticed that I had a bit of an ache in my side. Also, I was feeling a bit bloated. After a while, when it didn’t go away, I started poking about and found my ribs. Interesting! I hadn’t felt them in a while.  A few years ago, after I had a lost a bunch of weight, I was in the shower washing myself and found a tumor on my side. Then I found another and another. It took me a while to realize it was just my ribs. This time, I was not so easily fooled.  It took me until Sunday to realize the source of my problem.

When I started this diet, the nurses advised me that I would need to start taking fiber supplements. I laughed at them. I am a FEIL, after all. Some families have musical talents. Some families are adventurers. My family’s talent is that we are regular. Not to get too detailed about it but you could set a clock by the time the Feil toilets flush.

So, Sunday afternoon, after realizing that my system wasn’t um… regular, I headed to the drug store to buy a fiber supplement.  Judging from the choices in the Laxative aisle (not my word – there was a SIGN), the entire world suffers from irregularity. There must have been 40 different options. Just the Metamucil alone came in three flavors – orange, lemon and strawberry/kiwi. You could have regular or  sugar- free. You could have smooth or crunchy. There were tablets, liquids and concentrate. I must have stood there for 15 minutes, reading labels and mulling my choices.

I finally decided on Original Konsyl Natural Fiber Supplement – 100% natural psyllium hydrophilic mucilloid. Sounds impressive, right? It is “Doctor Recommended for Over 45 Years”, says the label.  The only warning on it is this: “Taking this product without adequate fluid may cause it to swell and block your throat or esophagus and may cause choking.”  Lovely.

At home, I read the directions on the label – one heaping teaspoon for 8 ounces of water. It looked like I was mixing dried grass particles into the water. Just as I took my first sip, which was nasty-tasting, my dog Sandy slipped and fell. She is old and losing her strength in her rear legs. She landed in an awkward positions that looked painful, so I immediately leaped to her rescue. By the time I got back to the kitchen, my glass of water had transformed into this mucous-like substance – actually, more the consistency of gooey applesauce.   No way am I drinking that by itself… I added some sugar free strawberry/kiwi crystals, mixed it up and gulped it downed.  Then I waited. And waited. 

Am I the only one who stands in front of the microwave and taps my foot impatiently? No patience here, that’s for sure. I read the bottle again. “To aid product action, take 1-3 times a day.” Who thought up that line? “Product action”?  I envisioned a room of advertising gurus tossing about possible phrases.. “successful transmissions?”  no… “expected results?”… nah… “product action?” …Yes! That’s the one!

There is no way I am taking this stuff 3 times a day. I’d rather not go at all.  I am cranky. 15 pounds less cranky than I was 2 weeks ago, but cranky just the same.

Start date: 05/12/10   248 pounds          

Today: 05/20/10  235 pounds       

Attitude:  Full.

If I could change one thing about my past, it would be my attitude toward water.

Donna:Water - Before

I could never stand to drink much plain water unless it was hot as hell outside and I was burning up.  Every so often, I would make a deal with myself to drink more water.

I bought a Brita.

I bought bottled water.

I bought flexi-straws.

It was no use. I would pour a glass of water and then it would sit there.

On this new diet, I must drink 120 ounces of water a day.  That is two ounces for every pound that I weigh. Only 32 ounces of this total can be flavored – like Crystal Light or decaffeinated coffee, tea or soda.

My water bottles holds 16 ounces. That means I have to drink.. um.. 16 guzinta 120 … carry the one…. open Excel… 7.5 bottles of water a day.

When I first started the program, I thought it was going to take all day and into the night to drink all that water. Now that I have been doing this a week, I polish off the first two bottles before I take a shower. I am usually finished with my water intake by about 4PM. I am now exceeding the recommended intake.

The difference is this: I am not hungry.

Donna:Water - After

The other difference is this: Suddenly, I recognize the difference between hunger and thirst. Oh! Laugh all you want, you skinny people. This is a huge thing (no pun intended) for fat people. For years, I have shoved food in my mouth to satisfy thirst.  Now, I am thirsty and I drink.   ::slapping my forehead:::  As my Grampa used to say, “Too soon old, too late smart”.

It took a couple of days for my body to get used to the extra liquids so that I am not constantly beating a path to the restroom.  There are other side effects as well – my skin is less dry, I don’t feel so sluggish and some scars have started disappearing faster.

So there you have it. 9 days into it. 13 pounds gone. Feeling great!

Start date: 05/12/10   248 pounds          

Today: 05/17/10  238 pounds       

Attitude:  Pretty good.

Ten pounds down! I feel like the Wicked Witch being hit by water - I’m melting!

I spent yesterday afternoon with Jane’s grandchildren. Sasha is in kindergarden (grade zero, if you ask her) and Cassandra is nine years old. Both of these girls are amazingly intelligent and have massive vocabularies. 

Cassandra and Jane - August 2008

Sasha - August 2008

I babysat  girls while Jane went to a funeral and their parents went to a fashion show.  We hung around Jane’s house for a bit, then went to McDonald’s for supper.

Here is what I learned:

If a kid says the food is too hot, they might mean it is too spicy.  (Sasha) 

It’s better to dip french fries and chicken nuggets in caramel sauce made for apples than to dip the apples in the sauce.  (Cassandra)

There is a disease men get that women don’t get and it is advertised on TV and it makes them go to the bathroom a lot.  (Sasha)

When you order at McDonalds, you have to take your tray to your seat and wait for them to call you to come and pick up your food. (Cassandra)

Animal documentaries are boring if they are only about one animal. (Sasha)

The playground at the McDonalds is “vile” (her words) and there is graffiti inside the tunnels. (Cassandra)

When kids at school pick on you, they shouldn’t have been born.  (Sasha)

I can watch other people eat food and not attack them.  (Donna)

My first doctor’s meeting and weigh-in is tomorrow.

This is my pantry after being swept clean of anything edible.

Start date: 05/12/10   248 pounds          

Today: 05/15/10  241 pounds       

Attitude: Surprised.

Some things I have discovered since I started this diet:

1) I usually spend most of Saturday writing a trivia game which is run in Egghead Trivia on AOL on Saturday nights at 9PM Central. (plug!)  While I sit at the computer, I can see my TV which is in the bedroom. On Saturdays, I leave the TV on PBS all day and keep an eye on the bead show, then the sewing shows, then the cooking shows, then This Old House.  The cooking shows were tough to watch today. Everything looked wonderful, especially this three layer chocolate cake with pudding between the layers.

2) I cleaned out my cupboards and loaded most of it for Jane’s house. I had a LOT of expired food. How could I have food that had expired four years ago?  When did I buy instant oatmeal? Where did the ginger chutney come from?  I took a picture of the last apple and pears I am mourning not having eaten and another of the empty cupboard.  

Two Beautiful Boscs and a Loverly Red Delicious

3) My kitchen is going to lie fallow for a while. I’m going to have to remember to run the dishwasher just to keep it operating. The stove has never gotten much use anyway. I wonder if I should just pull it out and replace it with a bookshelf? I need more room for books.   The refrigerator now contains only bottled water, 2 boxes of Velveeta cheese (for giving the dogs their pills) and 2 bottles of insulin for my dog, Mel. 

4) I cheated on my diet today. I am only allowed to have black decaffeinated coffee. I LOVE coffee. I HATE black coffee. It’s been bothering me for three days. I even tried putting some of the liquid diet in my coffee with disasterous results. So, this morning, instead of feeling deprived, I put a tablespoon of sugar-free hazelnut flavored creamer in my coffee.  I felt like a rebel.

5) Drinking a lot of water is not as hard as I have thought it would be. I have resisted for years. I am refilling the plastic bottles with filtered water from the tap. I have easily exceeded the 120 ounce requirement for the last two days. Had I forced myself to drink water before, I might have saved a small fortune on this diet plan.

6) Losing weight fast sure makes you stay on track. Four days in and I was down 7 pounds this morning. Any twinge of hunger has been met with the idea that tomorrow I could be even lighter.

7) The support of friends and family means more than anything. Thank you all for your kind words.

Donna

Start date: 05/12/10   248 pounds           Today: 05/14/10  245 pounds        Attitude: Cranky but making it

After three days of dieting, my two day old headache is almost gone. The dieting part has been fairly easy. I have managed to down 120 ounces of water for three days straight. Today, I am already at about 140 ounces and still drinking.  This diet causes ketosis which draws the fluids out of cell structure. Replenishing fluids is key.

The drink mixes aren’t bad. There are about 20 flavors, but I could only buy four boxes at a time. Who ever dreamed up this diet was pretty smart. My four pack for the week include 2 drinks that are the consistency of milk, one that is to be consumed hot and is thick like cream soup and one that is like chocolate pudding, which can be frozen like ice cream. The variety of textures and temperatures helps keep it from being boring. 

I plan to clean out the refrigerator and cupboards this weekend. It will be almost a year before I will be back on a regular diet so there is no sense keeping them stocked.  I am saddest about 2 pears, an apple and a half a bag of shelled pistachios. It’s been my habit for a long time to sit down at the computer when I get home with a bottle of water and a piece of fruit. The apple is a Red Delicious, and it is perfectly shaped and colored. The pears are Boscs – also my favorite. Maybe I will paint them or photograph them before they head to Jane’s house with the rest of my groceries.

When I was calculating the cost of this diet, I considered that I would not be eating out every day. At $10 – $12 per day, that expense adds up. On the other hand, it is important for me to get away from my desk so that I don’t feel deprived. Today, I downed my soup then jumped in the car and headed to the local thrift shop where I blew the equivalent cost of three days lunches. So much for saving…   I am going to have to come up with a more imaginative and cheaper lunch plan.

So.. on to the weekend!

Fat. 35 years of fat.

All the physical complications associated with Fat. Type 2 diabetes. Thyroid issues. Back pain. Swollen legs and feet. All the psychological complications from Fat.  Low self-respect. Insecurity. Irritability. Compensation.

I have been seriously fat for 35 years, but honestly, I thought I was fat for years before that. When I wore a size 14 in high school, I thought I was monsterous. After high school, the weight started creeping up on me.  

On Monday, I weighed 248 pounds. That’s 120 pounds of Fat.

On Monday, I started a new plan. I am now on the Methodist Hospital “New Directions” weight loss program. I decided to embark on this journey after watching my boss, Donnie, lose 50 pounds in three months. He looks like a new person. He has seemed happy about the whole process.  His only problem has been that, since they make you drink so much water, he heads to the men’s room about every ten minutes.

The plan lasts about a year and costs a small fortune. It consists of prepared meals, weekly weigh-ins and blood pressure tests, consultations with doctors, dieticians and counselors, group therapy and monthly blood tests.  Once I am within 10 pounds of my goal weight – which should be 5-6 months from  now - I will be able to introduce real food back into my diet, but will continue with the program after that to re-program myself to eat properly.

I went to the orientation a couple of weeks ago. Last week, I had a physical including bloodwork, urinalysis and an EKG to make sure I am fit enough to do this.  I got the OK on Tuesday to start the program on Wednesday. 

On Tuesday night, I went to Jane’s for a “last supper”. Grilled ribeyes with mushrooms in butter sauce, potatoes with sour cream, salad with good dressing, hard rolls with butter and my last bottle of Gravity 05 Shiraz. It was heavenly.  

Yesterday morning, I met with the dieticians and started the program. I told this skinny, young thing that, while I recognized it had taken me 35 years to put on all this weight, could she please make me a size 6 by next Tuesday? Some people have no sense of humor. I purchased 4 boxes of mixes which will be my meals for the next week. Each box contains seven packets of concentrated drink concoctions to be mixed with water and consumed 4 times a day.  I chose cream of chicken soup, orange pineapple drink, chocolate pudding and vanilla with fiber drink. In addition to these meals, I must drink one ounce of water for every 2 pounds I weigh - 124 ounces per day. Of that amount, 32 ounces can be decaffeinated coffee, tea or soda. That’s a lot of liquid.  I think that’s more liquid than I have swallowed in months.

Before leaving for the hospital, I had already had a cup of yogurt and a couple of cups of coffee . I had sipped through a bottle of water in the car on the way to the hospital. While at the hospital, I drank my first vanilla with fiber drink and downed another bottle of water. After completing all my meetings with I headed to the car to go to work. 

About half way to work, I started feeling a little uneasy. Should I stop at a fast-food place to use the bathroom? Nah, I can make it. Then there was a car accident in front of me on the highway slowing us to a snail’s pace. Uh oh. Pull over? Nah, I can make it. Finally, I pulled into the parking garage at work, grabbed my stuff and headed for the elevator. I knew I was in trouble. I was praying I could make it. I hit the button and … damn…  Nah, I couldn’t make it… Back to the car, back on the highway, back to the house for a shower and a change of clothes.

As you can imagine, I was a bit freaked out. It’s a 30 minute ride to work. Could I make it back?? I looked around the house for options. A few months back, my dog Mel was having incontinence issues, so I bought her doggie diapers. Could I? Would I? You betcha. I headed back to work with a doggie diaper in my pants and a change of clothes in a carryall bag.

I was fine for the rest of the day yesterday. I drank my water and ate two more mixes. I wasn’t very hungry at all.  I went to bed at about 10PM.

At 3AM, I woke up with a roaring headache at 3am. The dieticians had told me that the first week would be tough especially because I have been such a heavy coffee drinker – 4 -5 cups a day. My body was going through caffeine withdrawals. Add to it that I stopped smoking at the same time. Today was a little rough – not with the food or water, but with a pounding headache and general crankiness.  I have a staff of about 70 people who tiptoed around me.

It is not going to be easy but I am determined. I plan to post here regularly about my journey to skinnitude.